If you’re looking for me, I am currently hanging “Good Vibes Only” signs all over my life.
This past weekend I was at a friend’s birthday party where a tarot card reader was hired. Now, I don’t believe in any of that supernatural ESP belief as a Christian, but also as someone who just believes it’s ridiculous to try to know what’s going on in life. But when it’s free I’ll try anything.
As skeptical as I was, I entered the experience with an open mind. When my turn came I walked into the room (a bedroom with a small table and a woman in a turban scarfing down carnitas tacos) and prepared myself for the whole “you’ll meet a dark stranger/you’ve had horrible hardships/you’ll die in 30 days” crap that I’ve seen in too many movies to count. But I was disappointed.
The tarot card reader laid out my cards and instantly I noticed a pattern. Lots of swords and most of the cards were laid out upside down. If you didn’t know, the reader lays the cards out in a specific formation and does not choose which way the cards lie. And I don’t know a whole lot about tarot cards, but the sword/upside down thing seemed like a sign.
In her reading she explained that swords and upside down cards signify feeling unwanted and having negative emotions. And the multitude of those two patterns throughout my cards showed that I had a lot of that in my life.
And she was right. The scary part was that she was really right. I have really struggled and felt so negative in the past year and I’m really good at hiding it. Unless you’re a tarot card. And I figured that now was a good time to talk about it.
This past year has been incredibly difficult. I spent most of it in a relationship that made me a skeptical, untrusting, negative person and it will take a lot of good influence in my life to correct that damage. I didn’t even notice it until it was so far gone that even he was beginning to see it. And while many of my friends are starting to see the old Morgan, I continue to feel that I am in a dark place.
While in college I continually felt I didn’t know what I was doing in my life, and was surrounded by thousands of other journalism students who I felt were more qualified and prepared for graduating and moving onto the real world. The amount of self-doubt that overtook me continued to build a dark space where I began to stop loving myself because I didn’t feel accomplished.
And I have lost a lot of people who I used to be close with. Some were of my own doing, but a lot were people choosing other people over me. And while I don’t spite them for their decisions, it has made me feel that I’m not worthy of love and attention. I give my heart out for all those who will take it (whether in friendship or relationship), but I so seldom receive hearts back and it’s caught up to me and there is a bruise on my heart that continues to bring negative feelings toward my self-worth.
The combination of those three things are why I have swords and upside down cards. But I don’t want that. My life’s mission is to be in a world where everyone can feel that they are worthy and special and loved. And that mission has to start with myself.
That’s why I moved to Portland, to be close to family and friends and experience new culture. It’s why I love that my new job makes me feel that I am doing something with my degree and that I’m good at it. And it’s why I’ve started focusing on the people who have given me their hearts and cultivated relationships with them. I’m in this for the good vibes, I’m throwing out my swords!
I have a long way to go, but I’m in a place in life where I can do anything. Which is sort of why I also maybe believe in tarot cards. My last card was the Page. It signifies ambition and hope and excitement and showing your worth. And if there’s anything I believe, it is that my future involves all three of those.
Good vibes only.
Want to stay up to date with all of my crazy shenanigans, what movies I’m watching, and how to live the best life ever? Add me on Snapchat: PotatoesHegarty
Stay classy, Internet,
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